haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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