Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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