there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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