i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
