Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
