You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
