If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
