Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
