I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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