Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
