on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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