if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
