He uses pillows to masturbate.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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