she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
