Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
