Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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