guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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