So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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