she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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