bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
