Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
