o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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