We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
