My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Randomize
