I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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