What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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