I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
