she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
