it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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