i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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