A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
