i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Randomize
