There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
