just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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