Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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