im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
