I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
