shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
