Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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