If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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