I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Randomize
