why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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