Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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