You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
