Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
