This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
