I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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