3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Randomize
