I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
