I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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