And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
