do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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